Personal

Thoughts about my life. I felt poor growing up. When I was young, we could not afford to buy a house. We lived in many rentals. My maternal grandparents Ethyl and Rube were very generous to us.

When I was very young, one Hannukah, I got a used Erector Set as a gift. It did not occur to me until much later the significance of getting a used toy. I was perfectly happy with it at the time. All the way through high school, we did not live in great neighborhoods. I did not go to good schools.

There was a lot of love from my mom, especially, in the family. I was not happy. From the way I am today, you would think I grew up happy. I didn’t.

We moved a lot. I had many difficult periods of adjustment. Before I got to high school, we moved six times. I made some friends here and there. I was good at that. I always had good social skills. It is hard to maintain friends when you keep moving.

I did not have a lot of self confidence. I got bullied. 

I had a strong feeling of inadequacy.  I saw houses and neighborhoods that I thought i could never afford. I felt I was not good looking enough, strong enough, fast enough. I was very insecure.

I was smart but did not know how to apply myself. I had no self discipline. I got no discipline at home.

I did not have a good enough moral compass. My parents were permissive. I did not have the internal skills to steer my own ship. I never did anything too horrible. Luckily, I never got into any trouble. I.E. I never got caught!

One turning point for me was when I was a freshman in high school. Two big guys cornered me in a basement hallway and tried to strong-arm me for money. I stood up to them and refused. After a few minutes, they left me alone. I never got bullied by anyone ever again.

I was very social in high school, thought I never had a girlfriend. I was not mentally prepared for that. I felt too insecure. I was too immature. My time would come.

As I look at myself today, I have changed 180 degrees. I don’t feel insecure or inadequate. 

I am not the same person. Harder. Tougher. Mature. Less afraid. I feel like I lived in fear a lot of my life. How did I get over it?